I feel painÂ
I fellÂ
Now I can see
you through a veil
of mistrust
I know your motiveÂ
but I do not understand
the way your mind is working
but all my life motherÂ
you eventually caused me sorrowÂ
Loss
On the road toÂ
destruction
All that moralizingÂ
all that, all that talking
all that walking
And with a stroke of pen
everything is gone
again
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Confused In the Evening
I am so low now
there is not
a thing in the world
that can change
that now
I do not want
to feel
I do not want
to be
I do not want
to doÂ
anything
Everything is pain
and pain is not power
It is just pain
You messed with
my brain
and now I do not
knowÂ
who I amÂ
and what I feel
Only the breathing is mine
at the moment
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Again
Trying,Â
Trying so hard
so hard
Failing
Failing again and again
again
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Pieces of me
trying to put myself
together
Tired
Fighting the flood
of thoughts going
through my mind
The start and the end
not near somewhere
in the middle
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Hiding
Defending my weak spots
I have hidden in the sand
for so long
All my grudgeÂ
All my pain
All my neurosisÂ
i try to hide them
under the sand
in the sun
while watching
the sea
They give me a lot of pain
waiting to take a bath
when nobody is watchingÂ
me
This might never happen
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Path
Trying to blockÂ
the pain
present and far away
in the same time
time and energy
lost spaces
lost lifeÂ
breathingÂ
in and out
running around
in and about
trying to seal, comfort, forget,
run, close offÂ
I am not free
a slave ofÂ
traditionÂ
a slave of
feeling guilt
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Witches
I live in a scary
state of mind
Like a hunted
animal
always
being careful, alert
and prepared for a fight
Soon she will haunt me again
in my head, in my house
the place I used to call my home
the sunny day fills up the
void of my life
healing a little piece
of my tormented soul
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On Suicide
When I finally
take my act
togetherÂ
and finally
decide toÂ
kill my self
a lot of people
will rejoice
they will feel
happy
we finally made
that strange and awkward man die
we finally will beÂ
more normal
My family will say
he were a difficult personality
a piece of workÂ
that could notÂ
and maybe should not exist
in modern societyÂ
Let us now enjoy ourselfÂ
In order to celebrate IÂ
suggest that you may
put my ashes in the garbage
I did never ask to exist
I did never ask to be
Life is pain
Life is suffering
And each day is another
reason to end life
There are no help to be had
but the spring comes anywayÂ
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Fugative
I am on the run
the Easter almost
killed me
All that anger
all that frustration
And me
being ill just
trying to ward offÂ
moving from
one corner in the house
to the other
taking the toddler
for walkÂ
many many hours
Projection, ejection, rejection,Â
floating spaces
of uncertaintyÂ
is this the realityÂ
or is it just a lie?
I lost my sense of value, dignity
my brain closed off sealed off run away
Why do I have to live in this mess?
Now just listening to nonsenseÂ
Nice nonsense meeting up with nice people
I do not want to see
I do not want to bee
in prison the rest of my life
for a crime that I did notÂ
commitÂ
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