Can Not Fight For My Rights

I am trying to fight

But I cannot

Lift my own

Hand

For more than

Two weeks

I have been trying

To write this letter

Saying

How important

It is for me to have

The place that I love most in this world

But I cannot write a comma

Nothing, can be put together

I have such a fear

I know I am going to lose

But still

I cannot lift a finger

To say

I  want this

I need that

I have the right

My father stop calling

No one calls

I am in silence

They are silent

And I am not calling

Anymore ever

Still I have to

I know I have to

Let me go down

To the water

And relive me of my burden

 

Record of abuse

Another infighting

evening at home

Being woken up

At ten in the evening

Again

Being told how bad I am

Again

Getting up starting to clean the home

While being told everything that is wrong with me

Again

Making the dish, Cleaning the kitchen

While being told I am not helping out

Why do you not sleep she asks

Because you wake me up! is my answer

-You fell asleep to early she tells me

Again

This has been going on for years

The same pattern

Then she is sorry again

Will behave the same way again and again

Why do I not leave, I ask myself again and again

Because I don’ t know

Maybe the kids my children is a good reason

Maybe because I lost my work

And my  faith in that I can manage to find one

Again

 

 

Nightmares

Suddenly I am not listed
It is late at night
And tomorrow
I will start
writing my dissertation
I log in on my phone
Not registered
I log in on my computer
No, suddenly I am out
Of the system again
Sleepless night
Trying to put strategies
Together
Now at 7 am
I do not know
Last Friday
I checked and
I was in
Started to prepare
And this very night
I am out again
So here we are

Monday too

Writing to find peace of mind

Only finding anxiety and pain

I did what I had to do

Or not

I do not know

Just feeling frustration of existing

In the wrong place and time