Posted on

No Plans

I did not plan this

This was not my dream

Only tired reality

Options

Still the depression

Looms like a huge bird

Waiting for its pray

To come out into

The sunlight

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The Keys

I cannot go on

Anymore,

Cannot think

I lost my car key

At home

Being criticized

I felt worthless

She demanded I immediately

Find the key and another key

Lost three months ago

I feel so bad

I should not exist

I should not live

All of me is wrong

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My Song

For a long time

I tried not to get involved

Avoiding conflicts

Believing that things

Would work out anyway

They did not do that

The bad people continued

Their way

Since no one stood up against

Them life went on

And in the end

I lost my self

My will to live

My sense of living

Eating pills did not

Solve but maintained

Things as they were

So here I am alone and old

Soon gone

This is my song

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In The Darkest Hour

Life is pain

I said to myself

Just a lot of suffering

No meaning to it really

I thought

Trying to topple the grief

In my closed world

Avoiding any encouragement

To live on

Still in the middle of all that

Darkness some glimmer

Of hope lived on

And on

Keeping me alive throughout

The yearlong winter

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Circles of Destruction

I don’t know how to break this pattern

Of repetition, bad connection

No action, extremely high anxiety

I recognize it all of course

That is what I carry around

The burden that limits life

I thought there was

Solutions, some miracle doctor

Solving things by talking

After 12 years I gave that up

Losing faith and hope

Drugs did not help either

Repeating patterns of destruction

Living with destructive people

Became part of life

So here I am trapped

In my own dirt and sadness

Living the life that I never wanted

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On Depression

Finding a book by the tree. Actually a quite useful book

“Depression in Context” it works with positive reinforcement

When we are trapped in a negative spiral it can be because

We do not get low levels positive reinforcement and therefore

Get stuck in feeling depressed or not even get out of the depression

Which makes us much more passive and limited. We do not get out in life

Meeting people and it becomes a circle that is much more limited then

What is needed.

Act