Passing By

Looking out of the window

Seeing the clouds passing by

Covering the pale blue sky

Makes think of why I left you

That bad night

Instead of taking the fight

But losing fights has been my life

And eventually you get tired of it

Surviving Being a Partner to a Bipolar

Living with a bipolar partner can be very traumatic. All conflicts tend to be extreme. Whatever you are doing is completely wrong. You don’t deserve any credit for anything. No matter what you have done so far is never enough.

Then after that comes the change. She is so sorry for what happened and what she has done. Then there is a slight chance that you can agree on something. This agreement she might keep or not. But the that is s good start.

Once this pattern has repeated itself enough often. One start to adapt and create strategies for handling it. Eventually however it gets you and you can give up talking about your needs since they are not acceptable if he/ she does not feel well or is frustrated for one reason or another. It can be a family quarrel with a mother or something at work. You will have to carry the burden of that by being the target of aggression and merciless criticism for something completely different like putting the children to bed too late or in the “wrong ” way.

Saturday From Hell

This evening she hated me deeply

She had made the choice

To have a really bad day

Because I was not there

They stayed at home all day

Because of the rain and the total inability

To take the bus

Maybe I deserved it

Defining me as a small man

Deserving to die in a snowpack

She spat on me while my daughter

Who sat in my lap

No inhibitions at all

How bad I was

I needed psychiatric help

And then as always

Like a hand that turned

She was so sad, her colleague

Had not done enough

I put my daughter to sleep

Waiting for the next act

Of the bipolar drama

Answer to Shame

I am on the run

From the shame of being

Such a bad father

Being such an incompetent son

And impotent lover as well

No one loves my soul

I am so bad

And I am so tired of being

Projected as bad for not fulfilling

Other people’s dreams

I am not bad

Just the answer to your projections

The Master Gender

The message is clear

Blunt and brutal

Your time is less worth

Then mine, I make the money

You are just a parasite

Not making any money

You do not matter

Whatever you do it is

Not enough

Only

Me, me, me

And I

Have values and need here

You are my servant

I’m the bossy slave victim

Master of nothing and everything

My flower will never bloom

Scream and Hatred for Breakfast

The scream woke me up

What the hell the voice said

You are so lazy the voice said

Now I go

Confused and tired

I opened my eyes

She hated me

And left me with the children

Watching bad cartoons on TV

Today I started

To contemplate

Suicide as an option

If I don’t get out of here

The grey cold place

That is my so cold home

It’s just that I don’t want to die here

No meaning what so ever

I want to die in the sun

Feeling redemption and hope

But life goes on without meaning

Or purpose

The environment here is slowly

Breaking me down

Piece by piece

Just the writing keeps me going

For a while