Father

You come back to

His house in the woods

And it is just the same

Nothing has changed

He will stay the same

Being hypocritical criticising

My mothers family even though

They been separated for over 45 years

I am still his young and sloppy son

Even though being an old bald man

Aftermath

Life did not end

It just became more

Complicated and lonely

I did not back off

I stayed put and lost

Because I had not enough

Money and support

Or was there other reasons

The mind is moving in circles

Under the hot sun

Our history together

And my fathers projection of me

Being everything he despised

Why would he help me then?

He did see me as unable,

Unpractical, useless creature

That he had to put down

As always, as in the past

This black shadow of my life

On Suicide

Once upon a time my grandmother

Tried to commit suicide

She swallowed a huge

Number of yellow pills

That my mother had

Prescribed to her

As the good doctor and daughter

She was at the time

Sleeping pills

My grandfather found her

In bed with the faded light

And traffic noise from

The street below

On a winter afternoon

I was about ten at the time

My mother told me that

It was not my fault

Not so much, just a little

And any way the pills

Would not kill her

Most to blame was my grandfather

Who did not fulfill her wish

Of the perfect summerhouse

I kept those words in memory

Creating new disasters in

The far future

That is now

The Boy

Once I was

A happy young man

Being a fool and

Dropping out of school

Traveling the world

Met rich and poor

I opened many closed

Door

Sensing my limits

I met this beautiful girl

From home out there

In the world

I stood there

Naked and gay

In front of her

High as a kite

She told me

I love you

Just the way You are

Just do not Take it too far

And that was the way it had to be

Some but not to much

I started to wither away

All my dreams grow old

And in the end there was

Not much left

I had gone old

The children had left

For school

Lonely and lost

I had to find

New dreams

Overworked

Tired

I will not save you

Can Not Fight For My Rights

I am trying to fight

But I cannot

Lift my own

Hand

For more than

Two weeks

I have been trying

To write this letter

Saying

How important

It is for me to have

The place that I love most in this world

But I cannot write a comma

Nothing, can be put together

I have such a fear

I know I am going to lose

But still

I cannot lift a finger

To say

I  want this

I need that

I have the right

My father stop calling

No one calls

I am in silence

They are silent

And I am not calling

Anymore ever

Still I have to

I know I have to

Let me go down

To the water

And relive me of my burden