Retreat

The days are short

In the north

More like a combined

Dawn and dusk

Creating a depressive

Mode of inaction

Retreating and defeats

Is in my mind

Lost causes and cold very

Cold nights

Pansar

Always on the lookout

Ready to protect myself

This is me

What I became

Always in fear

Always feeling inferior

And superior at the same time

My life has no purpose

No meaning

There was no plan

There is no plan

There will be no plan

I am just here

At the Bottom

In lowest of the low

In the bottom of the pit

I have to collect myself

Put all the energy

Together

See if anything

Eventually will grow

Cascading failure

Feeling bad and crazy

I manage to repeat

My failure today again

Frustration and shame

Is so hard to carry around

I wish that  was Different

But time past is time lost

Only the long days will ease

The pain

Mending

Healing means put together and unite what has been broken

But all the pieces just keeps on falling apart

A dead flower is dead not ever to blom again

But how to know what is dead or just very broken

Trying to mend what is broken with any tool I can find

But without understanding any tool is useless

You cannot make a flower blom with a hammer

Losing yourself

I did not know that life could be so slow

When I was young

I did not understand that I was going to make my own nightmares come true

I could feel it but I did not listen to myself

Twenty five years later, Here I am trapped

Into a roleplay, I am always the loser making other people’s silly dreams come true

Other people’s agenda is ruling my life

Every day I fight either to change or to survive

Another day but time is running out and soon it will not matter anymore

I wish to leave it all behind and walk like a man free of burden feeling the warm sand under my feet and hear the eternal roar of angry waves hitting the stones at midnight

Cascading transcendence

When I was young

I wanted to be strong and without fear

Fly all over the world with my wings

Instead I lost it all

Failed again and again

In my shame and grief

I hide in my cell

But the wound was painful, it went deep into the heart

I could not from the world stay apart

I had to repeat again and agin

What I could not do, I had to do

Again and again

And my life went into a loop

New people, new failures

To prove once and for all how bad I really am

But that was not end

I realized that I had to transcend

To see life from a different point of view

And play with a friend

And that was finally the end

Uneven

It´s an uneven fight

She has the money, friends and grit

I have the depression, loneliness and sleepiness

So I lose and she wins

Good for her

Bad for me

I realize that I never again will feel free

Trying to fight the gray spaces in my mind