Scream and Hatred for Breakfast

The scream woke me up

What the hell the voice said

You are so lazy the voice said

Now I go

Confused and tired

I opened my eyes

She hated me

And left me with the children

Watching bad cartoons on TV

Today I started

To contemplate

Suicide as an option

If I don’t get out of here

The grey cold place

That is my so cold home

It’s just that I don’t want to die here

No meaning what so ever

I want to die in the sun

Feeling redemption and hope

But life goes on without meaning

Or purpose

The environment here is slowly

Breaking me down

Piece by piece

Just the writing keeps me going

For a while

Slowly Dying

Moving around on

The frozen tundra

Along with the other

Lost soul who ended up here

In the far north

The place where you find

Yourself out of life and lust

Just empty cold days without

Meaning and hope

Travelling from work (if you have such a thing)

To home losing the last feelings of

Hope and Joy

Self Help Therapy

Desperate for tea and sympathy

I went to through the door

The people already there

Steered at me

Then they started

Talking in tongues

Talking to themselves

In monotone voice repeating

The right empty phrases from

The book provided on

The dirty table

Love were not there at that moment

We emptied our mental potties

On one another

Spiting blood and saliva

In the process of drinking

Bad coffee and cheap tea

My name is this and that

And I am a mental douchebag

Like the rest of you

Now I have three minutes

To poo on the table

While you give me applause

And so they all did

Until the turn came to me

I did instead throw up

And left the table

I never drink

Coffee there again

On Suicide

Once upon a time my grandmother

Tried to commit suicide

She swallowed a huge

Number of yellow pills

That my mother had

Prescribed to her

As the good doctor and daughter

She was at the time

Sleeping pills

My grandfather found her

In bed with the faded light

And traffic noise from

The street below

On a winter afternoon

I was about ten at the time

My mother told me that

It was not my fault

Not so much, just a little

And any way the pills

Would not kill her

Most to blame was my grandfather

Who did not fulfill her wish

Of the perfect summerhouse

I kept those words in memory

Creating new disasters in

The far future

That is now

One Gray Day

After being abused and used

So many times,

Manipulated

Again and again, my sight

Was clear watching the

Devastated landscape

That once was my life

Not realising that

Goodness is the road to hell

I thought that love would

Heal her wounds but

Trashed people trashes you

And eventually destroys

What they have and love

Here I am trapped by

Doing what I learned

Was right,

That turned out

To be an illusion

So i left

Found other people

Crazy in their own

Ways

And I stand here one year later

Now knowing

Where to start

Just fearing that the way

Is endless

Letter From a Codependent Madmanæ

I just don’t know

I just can’t tell

The difference

Living with someone

That makes you lose

Your mind in the deep blue dawn consciousness

A Saturday afternoon in January

Slowly losing your consciousness, your clothes,

Your things, your money and eventually your life

Fighting and losing all the time

Finally you see this as

Interpretations of reality

Am I mentally ill or

In a situation where I lost perception of reality

My ability to say no, to feel

And know what I feel

All that stress makes me crazy

But is it in me or around me

Where do I end and she starts?

Everyday I have to do this, this and this

Because she is so stressed reading the newspaper in sofa for a far to long time

She is not able to deal with everyday life of cleaning, making food, planing

It is all so stressful for her so it all have to wait until the very last moment

While we around her cover up

Codependent is a good word

Codependent of what?

On Life

I wanted life

To be more

Than survival

Just not make it

Through the day

But to have

Something to

Live for and

Being able to

Change

On Life

Life demands courage

To be bearable

Suicide demands

Even more courage

To be doable

Therefore the

Paradox of

Living

Without

Hope or will

Just let life

Go on and on