Trying to block 
the pain
present and far away
in the same time
time and energy
lost spaces
lost life 
in and out
running around
in and about
trying to seal, comfort, forget,
run, close off 

I am not free
a slave of 
a slave of
feeling guilt


I live in a scary
state of mind
Like a hunted
being careful, alert
and prepared for a fight
Soon she will haunt me again
in my head, in my house
the place I used to call my home
the sunny day fills up the
void of my life
healing a little piece
of my tormented soul

On Suicide

When I finally
take my act
and finally
decide to 
kill my self
a lot of people
will rejoice
they will feel
we finally made
that strange and awkward man die
we finally will be 
more normal

My family will say
he were a difficult personality
a piece of work 
that could not 
and maybe should not exist
in modern society 
Let us now enjoy ourself 
In order to celebrate I 
suggest that you may
put my ashes in the garbage
I did never ask to exist
I did never ask to be
Life is pain
Life is suffering
And each day is another
reason to end life
There are no help to be had
but the spring comes anyway 


I am on the run
the Easter almost
killed me
All that anger
all that frustration
And me
being ill just
trying to ward off 
moving from
one corner in the house
to the other
taking the toddler
for walk 
many many hours
Projection, ejection, rejection, 
floating spaces
of uncertainty 
is this the reality 
or is it just a lie?
I lost my sense of value, dignity
my brain closed off sealed off run away
Why do I have to live in this mess?
Now just listening to nonsense 
Nice nonsense meeting up with nice people
I do not want to see
I do not want to bee
in prison the rest of my life
for a crime that I did not 


Repeating the patterns
again and again
pain for everyone
We are like islands of hopelessnes
from long time ago
going through generations
i did not know
how difficult it would be
to break the pattern

I have fear
fear is strength 
and weakness 
I have my rest
in agony
Haunted by
from a past
life that 
i do not
but suffer from
The waves hits the shore
no guilt involved 
but they still hits the shore


Tonight God must hate us
all the suffering
all the pain
we create 
In my mind
I can hear
the scream
even though
it is so far
on the other side
of the world


The older i get
the more energy
I lose
The hope of
change is gone
I am just changing 
Returning to my old
I  do not find it the
The building are there
The memories as well
but the people are
mostly gone
sometimes I pass
them on the street
pretending we never
did meet 
Leaving ourself
to ourself