Once upon a time
I tried to play
The game
But I failed
Very miserable
Being left with my feelings
Of not being able to live
Anxiety and frustration
Blocked thinking and frustration
This has been me
Allergic Reaction
Prayer
Whatever I do
Will go wrong
Whatever I go
Whenever
Forever
Nevertheless
Never mind
It was just one
Of many illusions
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Calamity Lessons
What are the insights
Learned from this calamity?
The old wretched man asked in the
Soft afternoon light
I watched his wrinkled face
And gave him a nervous smile
“There is nothing to be learned”, he said
“We will always repeat ourselves
Like a perpetual cascading failure machine
This is the purpose of our life on this earth
Repeating others mistake and multiply them
Until the world ends and it is time for the
Universal breakfast to take place“
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Family
Shame and guilt
For failing to succeed
Failing to be viable
Causing distress and sorrow
Just standing in the shadow
While the happy ones
Throw rocks and insults
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Aftermath
Life did not end
It just became more
Complicated and lonely
I did not back off
I stayed put and lost
Because I had not enough
Money and support
Or was there other reasons
The mind is moving in circles
Under the hot sun
Our history together
And my fathers projection of me
Being everything he despised
Why would he help me then?
He did see me as unable,
Unpractical, useless creature
That he had to put down
As always, as in the past
This black shadow of my life
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Afternoon
I am bleeding
Losing energy
All the time
Soon it will
All be over
Did not manage
To solve the riddle
Of being me
Pacified and blocked
No solution in sight
Only the sun is higher
Every day in the sky
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Disaster
My life is a fucking disaster
Just one failure after another
Cannot live anymore
Just all this criticism
I am facing
At the every moment
Is killing me
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On Trust
Trust is a great thing
Trust in oneself even better
Failure make you trust
Yourself less
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Turning Inside
As the snow keeps falling
Things get worse
Turning away from the
Difficult things that are
Caused by the inner struggle
Between adaption and
Self realization
Being introverted as part of
The dying process
Turning away from friends
Seeing no meaning of talking
Failed going to Holland
Did not dare to use my last money,
No loan, no friends, no confidence
Telling anyone
Ambivalent of the consequences
When borrowing money from
My daughter, turning the
parent-daughter relation
Upside down, just wanted
To feel well, feel my power
Inner strength, to laugh and
Get away from the self destructive
Existence called reality
My bad reality someone else’s
Dream a paradox, being told
That what you do is bad every day
Kills your senses and self respect
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Answer to Kavafy
Trying to survive
Until after lunch
Why did I ever return here
My life should be
Somewhere else
I rather fail there than here
Mr. Kavafy
Schibolet 