Allergic Reaction

Once upon a time

I tried to play

The game

But I failed

Very miserable

Being left with my feelings

Of not being able to live

Anxiety and frustration

Blocked thinking and frustration

This has been me

Prayer

Whatever I do

Will go wrong

Whatever I go

Whenever

Forever

Nevertheless

Never mind

It was just one

Of many illusions

Calamity Lessons

What are the insights

Learned from this calamity?

The old wretched man asked in the

Soft afternoon light

I watched his wrinkled face

And gave him a nervous smile

“There is nothing to be learned”, he said

“We will always repeat ourselves

Like a perpetual cascading failure machine

This is the purpose of our life on this earth

Repeating others mistake and multiply them

Until the world ends and it is time for the

Universal breakfast to take place“

Family

Shame and guilt

For failing to succeed

Failing to be viable

Causing distress and sorrow

Just standing in the shadow

While the happy ones

Throw rocks and insults

Aftermath

Life did not end

It just became more

Complicated and lonely

I did not back off

I stayed put and lost

Because I had not enough

Money and support

Or was there other reasons

The mind is moving in circles

Under the hot sun

Our history together

And my fathers projection of me

Being everything he despised

Why would he help me then?

He did see me as unable,

Unpractical, useless creature

That he had to put down

As always, as in the past

This black shadow of my life

Afternoon

I am bleeding

Losing energy

All the time

Soon it will

All be over

Did not manage

To solve the riddle

Of being me

Pacified and blocked

No solution in sight

Only the sun is higher

Every day in the sky

Turning Inside

As the snow keeps falling

Things get worse

Turning away from the

Difficult things that are

Caused by the inner struggle

Between adaption and

Self realization

Being introverted as part of

The dying process

Turning away from friends

Seeing no meaning of talking

Failed going to Holland

Did not dare to use my last money,

No loan, no friends, no confidence

Telling anyone

Ambivalent of the consequences

When borrowing money from

My daughter, turning the

parent-daughter relation

Upside down, just wanted

To feel well, feel my power

Inner strength, to laugh and

Get away from the self destructive

Existence called reality

My bad reality someone else’s

Dream a paradox, being told

That what you do is bad every day

Kills your senses and self respect

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