Father

You come back to

His house in the woods

And it is just the same

Nothing has changed

He will stay the same

Being hypocritical criticising

My mothers family even though

They been separated for over 45 years

I am still his young and sloppy son

Even though being an old bald man

Memories

Lost spaces, places that I loved

Extended cords

Parts of leaves, grass and flowers

They are all still there

Life goes on without me

Soon I will be forgotten

Only me carrying the memories

The sorrow and grief

The lies and power games will triumph

But I am free to follow a different path

Aftermath

Life did not end

It just became more

Complicated and lonely

I did not back off

I stayed put and lost

Because I had not enough

Money and support

Or was there other reasons

The mind is moving in circles

Under the hot sun

Our history together

And my fathers projection of me

Being everything he despised

Why would he help me then?

He did see me as unable,

Unpractical, useless creature

That he had to put down

As always, as in the past

This black shadow of my life

Trapped In History

Being trapped in a memory

Of a conflict with my father and

His family

Filling up my mind

Feeling betrayed and abandond

It is hard to let go

Even though I know I have to find

New grounds for living my life

A Wake

Waking in the middle of the night

Can’t stop thinking

Trying to come up

With a solution

But I don’t have

Any conclusion

Just a lot of things on my mind

So have to check everything now

But it won’t matter

The head feeds me

Fantasies, memories

My fathers voice condemning

Me forever and ever

Telling me I am not ok

In any way, that is

What he say inside

My head

Even though he is dead

Nightfall

This is our nightmare

The place we don’t

Want to be in

Being ostracised from

The family when asking

For your right to be respected

Not threatened

That price is definitely

Worth Paying in order

To keep your self respect

But the pain remains

The Angry Man

Sleepless nights like this

My thoughts goes out to

My dead father

He used to blame me

For our bad relationship

I was not thankful enough

But life is not a gift but a

Punishment

Why should I be thankful

For being punished?

I pity that lonely angry man

Still alive somewhere

Inside my head

On Hatred

Manipulations and cowardly acting

Finally the betrayal of your children

Denying the problem

Causing frustration and

Hatred without retreat or reflection

No solutions seems possible

Pointless resistance

Lost battles and

Humiliation

There you have

A recipe for

Eternal conflicts

Father

Trying to leave

The pain behind

Breaking with your

Father and your fate

Comes at a prize

I am freezing slowly

Dying

Being free is worth

Dying for

Feeling alive, a little

Again

Until next calamity

Strikes

And I am on the street

Answer to Shame

I am on the run

From the shame of being

Such a bad father

Being such an incompetent son

And impotent lover as well

No one loves my soul

I am so bad

And I am so tired of being

Projected as bad for not fulfilling

Other people’s dreams

I am not bad

Just the answer to your projections