Competition

My father told me how to lose

And leave things behind

Every Friday he had to win

Every Friday we played badminton

I being smaller was an easy match for him

One time things turned out differently

We went skiing in the mountains

The bitter cold at top and gray sky

Made him challenge me

-First to the bottom wins he said

And off I went

Fearless down the hill

He came far behind

I won not by 100 meter

But maybe 400 meter

He never spoke about it

Again

The Voices In The Head

Listening to the cliches in my head

If I believed in them I would be dead

When you are young

They are installed

By hammer and nail

In your head

They tell how to be

And that you are not free

They say it is

All in the family

Just the mosquitoes stay free

But the older you get

The more wrong

It gets to be

And you realize

That you never will get free

From the voices in the head

Until you are dead

On Suicide

Once upon a time my grandmother

Tried to commit suicide

She swallowed a huge

Number of yellow pills

That my mother had

Prescribed to her

As the good doctor and daughter

She was at the time

Sleeping pills

My grandfather found her

In bed with the faded light

And traffic noise from

The street below

On a winter afternoon

I was about ten at the time

My mother told me that

It was not my fault

Not so much, just a little

And any way the pills

Would not kill her

Most to blame was my grandfather

Who did not fulfill her wish

Of the perfect summerhouse

I kept those words in memory

Creating new disasters in

The far future

That is now

Growing up

I grow up fearing everyone

My father did see my mother and her family inside me

Sometimes beating me, sometimes telling how wrong and clumsy I was

My mother hated all male on earth

My grandmother thought everyone around her

Took part in a great conspiracy organized by her doctor

I tested her on his order of course

My so called friends in school laughed at me

I had to hide

Nothing that was me was ok

I learned to smile and pretend

Do not say wrong things

Do not attract attention

Stay out, keep the distance

Or take part in their game

That summer I learned every nations flag in the world