Only That

I don’t want to break down

Or commit suicid

I don’t want to fight

I don’t want to hate

Someone I only want

To live

My life

Have an economy

That works

Not losing

Money every day

Only thar

Nothing more

Alone

Life is more or less

Allways a struggle

I am fighting

All the time

And most of the time

It is inside me

Alone with the thoughts

Running around like mad

Rabbits in a cage

To find their way out

I am a broken man

I am broke

No money, no hope

Contemplating suicide

Not a bad idea after all

Inside and outside

Life is shit

Rotten tubers

Life as a

Decomposing fruit

Suburban Hell

This is like living in hell

This is hell

Welcome

Welcome to the slow death

Between clean sheets and blackened windows

Welcome to die my friend

Here you will not by war

Only by the war in the mind

Here it does not matter

Here you do not matter

Here nothing is important

Except

Safety, security, profit

For the wealthy

Here we found the solution

To everything

But never mind

Welcome to white hell of the north

Were the sun loses its heat

And the hope is deep frozen

Welcome to our emotional tundra

Forever and ever

This will not change

Never mind the summer

Or the heat wave

We conquer the human mind
We have all the answers

Welcome to our pleasant hell

In the north

We are so good here

We do everything right by the book

Here in Hellville

Scream and Hatred for Breakfast

The scream woke me up

What the hell the voice said

You are so lazy the voice said

Now I go

Confused and tired

I opened my eyes

She hated me

And left me with the children

Watching bad cartoons on TV

Today I started

To contemplate

Suicide as an option

If I don’t get out of here

The grey cold place

That is my so cold home

It’s just that I don’t want to die here

No meaning what so ever

I want to die in the sun

Feeling redemption and hope

But life goes on without meaning

Or purpose

The environment here is slowly

Breaking me down

Piece by piece

Just the writing keeps me going

For a while

On Suicide

Once upon a time my grandmother

Tried to commit suicide

She swallowed a huge

Number of yellow pills

That my mother had

Prescribed to her

As the good doctor and daughter

She was at the time

Sleeping pills

My grandfather found her

In bed with the faded light

And traffic noise from

The street below

On a winter afternoon

I was about ten at the time

My mother told me that

It was not my fault

Not so much, just a little

And any way the pills

Would not kill her

Most to blame was my grandfather

Who did not fulfill her wish

Of the perfect summerhouse

I kept those words in memory

Creating new disasters in

The far future

That is now

One Gray Day

After being abused and used

So many times,

Manipulated

Again and again, my sight

Was clear watching the

Devastated landscape

That once was my life

Not realising that

Goodness is the road to hell

I thought that love would

Heal her wounds but

Trashed people trashes you

And eventually destroys

What they have and love

Here I am trapped by

Doing what I learned

Was right,

That turned out

To be an illusion

So i left

Found other people

Crazy in their own

Ways

And I stand here one year later

Now knowing

Where to start

Just fearing that the way

Is endless

On Life

Life demands courage

To be bearable

Suicide demands

Even more courage

To be doable

Therefore the

Paradox of

Living

Without

Hope or will

Just let life

Go on and on

Going Down

I cannot save my world

Again I am into a battle

Against my self

I know what I want

But me, myself and I

cant do anything

To ever get there

Let it go down

Let it go down

I lost my soul

That I never had

One Gray Day

After being abused and used

So many times, manipulated

Again and again, my sight

Was clear watching the

Devastated landscape

That once was my life

Goodness is the road to hell

I thought that love would

Heal her wounds but

Trashed people trashes you

And eventually destroys

What they have

Here I am trapped by

Doing what I learned

Was right, turned out

To be an illusion

I stand here

Not knowing

Where to start

 

 

Sinking In

When the energy is lost

You sink into the coma of

Self-reflection steering into that

Strange mirage that pretend to be you

The turbid picture makes a strange impression

Depression and self-pity combined with

Contempt is acid for the soul

Even mindless drinking is better than that

Our mind is constructed with the Thanatos

In mind creating the option of suicide quick

Or slow that takes decades

Only mad action can cure that