I don’t want to break down
Or commit suicid
I don’t want to fight
I don’t want to hate
Someone I only want
To live
My life
Have an economy
That works
Not losing
Money every day
Only thar
Nothing more
Only That
Alone
Life is more or less
Allways a struggle
I am fighting
All the time
And most of the time
It is inside me
Alone with the thoughts
Running around like mad
Rabbits in a cage
To find their way out
I am a broken man
I am broke
No money, no hope
Contemplating suicide
Not a bad idea after all
Inside and outside
Life is shit
Rotten tubers
Life as a
Decomposing fruit
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Suburban Hell
This is like living in hell
This is hell
Welcome
Welcome to the slow death
Between clean sheets and blackened windows
Welcome to die my friend
Here you will not by war
Only by the war in the mind
Here it does not matter
Here you do not matter
Here nothing is important
Except
Safety, security, profit
For the wealthy
Here we found the solution
To everything
But never mind
Welcome to white hell of the north
Were the sun loses its heat
And the hope is deep frozen
Welcome to our emotional tundra
Forever and ever
This will not change
Never mind the summer
Or the heat wave
We conquer the human mind
We have all the answers
Welcome to our pleasant hell
In the north
We are so good here
We do everything right by the book
Here in Hellville
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Scream and Hatred for Breakfast
The scream woke me up
What the hell the voice said
You are so lazy the voice said
Now I go
Confused and tired
I opened my eyes
She hated me
And left me with the children
Watching bad cartoons on TV
Today I started
To contemplate
Suicide as an option
If I don’t get out of here
The grey cold place
That is my so cold home
It’s just that I don’t want to die here
No meaning what so ever
I want to die in the sun
Feeling redemption and hope
But life goes on without meaning
Or purpose
The environment here is slowly
Breaking me down
Piece by piece
Just the writing keeps me going
For a while
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On Suicide
Once upon a time my grandmother
Tried to commit suicide
She swallowed a huge
Number of yellow pills
That my mother had
Prescribed to her
As the good doctor and daughter
She was at the time
Sleeping pills
My grandfather found her
In bed with the faded light
And traffic noise from
The street below
On a winter afternoon
I was about ten at the time
My mother told me that
It was not my fault
Not so much, just a little
And any way the pills
Would not kill her
Most to blame was my grandfather
Who did not fulfill her wish
Of the perfect summerhouse
I kept those words in memory
Creating new disasters in
The far future
That is now
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One Gray Day
After being abused and used
So many times,
Manipulated
Again and again, my sight
Was clear watching the
Devastated landscape
That once was my life
Not realising that
Goodness is the road to hell
I thought that love would
Heal her wounds but
Trashed people trashes you
And eventually destroys
What they have and love
Here I am trapped by
Doing what I learned
Was right,
That turned out
To be an illusion
So i left
Found other people
Crazy in their own
Ways
And I stand here one year later
Now knowing
Where to start
Just fearing that the way
Is endless
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On Life
Life demands courage
To be bearable
Suicide demands
Even more courage
To be doable
Therefore the
Paradox of
Living
Without
Hope or will
Just let life
Go on and on
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Going Down
I cannot save my world
Again I am into a battle
Against my self
I know what I want
But me, myself and I
cant do anything
To ever get there
Let it go down
Let it go down
I lost my soul
That I never had
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One Gray Day
After being abused and used
So many times, manipulated
Again and again, my sight
Was clear watching the
Devastated landscape
That once was my life
Goodness is the road to hell
I thought that love would
Heal her wounds but
Trashed people trashes you
And eventually destroys
What they have
Here I am trapped by
Doing what I learned
Was right, turned out
To be an illusion
I stand here
Not knowing
Where to start
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Sinking In
When the energy is lost
You sink into the coma of
Self-reflection steering into that
Strange mirage that pretend to be you
The turbid picture makes a strange impression
Depression and self-pity combined with
Contempt is acid for the soul
Even mindless drinking is better than that
Our mind is constructed with the Thanatos
In mind creating the option of suicide quick
Or slow that takes decades
Only mad action can cure that
