In The Darkest Hour

Life is pain

I said to myself

Just a lot of suffering

No meaning to it really

I thought

Trying to topple the grief

In my closed world

Avoiding any encouragement

To live on

Still in the middle of all that

Darkness some glimmer

Of hope lived on

And on

Keeping me alive throughout

The yearlong winter

Another War

There is no place for me here

Have to find another one

Another space, another situation

We have to make a change

I have to change

It is not easy

When the mind is not with you

But against you

It is a civil war

Within

The Same Spring

Every spring is the same

My life is a great failure in every way

Planning to leave it all behind

Looking for methods, places and reasons

So I am sorry this is not working

Anymore

Still I go on

Event

Every year I climb

Out of this hole

Only to fall in it again

Every autumn

When the dark world

Returns

The Spring Snow

Waiting for things

To end well or not

Life has long time ago

Lost its meaning

I just exist out of defiance

Against my country

That despises me

Cold Spring

Planning my own

Suicide

Avoiding the worst

Ways of doing it

To go away

Requires planning

And relevant techniques

After a while

The insight that I am not ready

Slips through all the anxiety and pain

I return to the bleak sunlight

At spring biding my time

Ways To End

Contemplating the many different ways to die

I could not make up my mind

Which one to choose

Anyone would be fine

But some more painful

Than others

This paralyzed the mind

And this mindless limbo continued

Until dusk

To End It All

When I give up

I do it

The whole way

Just until

I am ready

To kill my self

Then I stop

Taking the

Very long and troublesome

Way back

Each time a little harder

Another Day

Trying not to kill myself

Staying alive

Without a real life

Pretending meaning and hope

Everyday the same

Until the end of days

I fail and continue to fail

Life here is like that

Life there will be like that

One cannot escape oneself

Trapped

Run Away

When things are so bad

That you can not stay

Focused and everything

Is so sad

That you cannot live anymore

You are looking for the door

To another life or no life

At all

Then is time to get away

Run far away

Before you are getting

Killed or kill yourself

Just by accident

To Live Or Die

Somehow lost

Somehow gone

And

Somehow still here

A day in the middle of life

Trying to become sane

Not losing my head

Cannot solve the riddle

Being between

What I need and

What I ought to do

Life is lost only the long road

Of dying remains if I stay

Life is gained but only

Loneliness remains

Have nothing to say

This is life in a dysfunctional family